In the third season of MASH, there was a singing, guitar-playing doctor who sang his own original folksy songs like “North Korean Blues” and “Unrequited to the Nth Degree.” His name was Captain Calvin Spaulding. He appeared in three episodes from Season 3 and then was gone. What happened to the singing surgeon? Why was he dropped from the show? And why was the character created in the first place?
I’ll be honest with you. I hated the singing surgeon character on MASH. His musical scenes were, to me, downright stupid. They made no sense. They weren’t funny. The songs were horrible and corny. It’s as if the show’s writers were just shoving this guy with a guitar into the show and telling him, sing something; whatever comes to mind. Well, that’s not very far from the truth. In fact, the reasons I couldn’t stand the character were some of the same reasons he was dropped. And I said, “Good riddance.”
Why Did MASH Have a Singing Doctor?
The only possible reason I can fathom that the MASH television program wanted to feature a singing, guitar-playing doctor was that the film had a scene that featured the original MASH theme song.
In the film, the camp dentist, a buddy of Hawkeye Pierce named Captain “Painless Pole” Waldowski (John Schuck), starts questioning his sexuality. He confides to his friends that he is contemplating suicide. None of them really takes him seriously. They put on an elaborate faux-suicide and mock funeral reminiscent of the Last Supper. Private Seidman, played by Ken Prymus, sings him a farewell song called Suicide Is Painless, the famous MASH theme song, complete with guitar accompaniment.
While the lyrics of the MASH theme song are, and were always meant to be silly, if not downright stupid, I must say that this rendition is quite beautiful. Ken Prymus, who played Private Seidman, just did a beautiful job. The guitar is understated and the singing is too, in just the right way. It was everything that Captain Calvin Spaulding, played by folk musician Loudon Wainwright III, was not.
It was Larry Gelbart, though, who brought Wainwright into the show as the singing surgeon, and I do not know if he was truly inspired by the scene in the film. He had seen Wainwright perform and was a fan of his music. He thought Wainwright’s music would make a good addition to the show.
In those early seasons, before it was clear who the core cast would be, MASH was trying to develop new, unique characters for the series that did not appear in the novel or film. Only one of these would survive and go on to become a regular, the beloved Maxwell Klinger, who was so important, he got his own tent. Larry Gelbart made a lot of great decisions, including Klinger, but I have to say this was a miss.
Even so, Gelbart claimed he wanted to use Capt. Spaulding more during the third season, but it was too difficult to work him into episodes. As ChimesFreedom says, “They were not able to make room” for his appearance. I think this sums it up. When you have to “make room” for a character, that character needs to go.
When the singing Surgeon first began to appear, an article was written in TV Guide (everyone had it) about him being a new regular on the show. Perhaps they did not want to admit it, but I tend to think that he was meant to be a regular or semi-regular.
Captain Calvin Spaulding, The Singing Surgeon
Captain Calvin Spaulding appears in only three MASH episodes during Season 3. The actor who portrays him, Loudon Wainwright, III, composed the songs he sang on the show himself. Most of the time, he appears singing with his trusty Gibson guitar, although he appeared twice in surgery (briefly) and once standing on his head. He appeared on the following episodes:
- Episode 2: Rainbow Bridge
- Episode 10: There is Nothing Like a Nurse
- Episode 21: Big Mac
First Appearance: Rainbow Bridge
In Season 3, Episode 2, Rainbow Bridge, Capt. Calvin Spaulding appears at the very beginning of the episode, sitting on the upper chopper pad (yes, there is also a lower pad). He is singing a song called North Korean Blues. The song is all about Tokyo. “Oh, Tokyo, they got some saki and shishimi and some clean sheets, oh kimono…”
During the scene, he is sitting on a metal drum, trying to appear as if he’s not looking at the camera, with a ridiculous grin on his face. The scene has nothing to do with the story. It’s just pasted in at the beginning with no relation to anything going on. Just some guy sitting on the heli-pad singing a song with a big smile on his face, dreaming of Tokyo. He actually laughs once while singing “kimono” as if he thinks, “wow, this is really great and funny.”
As he gets to the chorus, “Yeah, Tokyo’s the town that I love the best…” the camera begins to pan away to the edge of the camp below and then into the main camp area.
How does the song connect to the episode? Well, Hawkeye and Trapper are set to leave for R&R in Tokyo. True to form, a new battle has produced a new batch of wounded, so they can’t go. Then, the 4077 is contacted by the Chinese with an offer to exchange POW patients. This is highly unusual and sets everyone on edge, fearing it’s a trap.
Henry Blake reluctantly decides to send Hawkeye, Trapper, Frank Burns, and Klinger. Burns is along so that he can do the absolute wrong thing, of course, which in this case is to bring a gun along. So, the song that Spaulding sings is about Hawkeye and Trapper having the blues because they have to go meet the Chinese instead of going to Tokyo. You’d be forgiven for not making this connection.
Spaulding reappears later as the bus carrying Hawkeye, Trapper, Burns, and Klinger is departing to meet the Chinese doctors, singing North Korean Blues Again. This time, he is sitting in the compound against a pole as Henry walks by. He’s still wearing surgical garb. Thankfully, is not grinning like an idiot. According to the Monster MASH Wiki, this song provides a “musical backdrop” as the team goes to meet the Chinese. As backdrops go, it is completely out of place and has nothing to do with the tone of the show.
Second Appearance: There is Nothing Like a Nurse
In Season 3, Episode 10, There is Nothing Like a Nurse, HQ calls and says that an enemy attack may be imminent. Captain Spaulding is out in the compound with Hawkeye and Trapper singing a song called Unrequited to the Nth Degree, as Hawkeye and Trapper provide backup. This song is even more annoying than the last: “When I die (when I die), and it won’t be long (and it won’t be long), hey you’re gonna be sorry, that you treated me wrong…and if there’s an afterlife I’ll gloat and I’ll be glad.”
The trio then notices that the nurses are preparing to go somewhere in a truck. Captain Spaulding speaks his first line of dialogue, as Radar walks over, “Where are the nurses going, Radar?” Radar explains that the nurses are going to the 44th Field Hospital “with all the wounded that can be moved” because “it looks like we maybe might get hit by an enemy paratroop drop.”
In the next scene, the doctors make fun of Frank for having some enlisted men dig foxholes, which is a completely sensible thing to do, under the circumstances, although fox holes and other defensive positions would already exist in a real MASH unit.
After the women leave, the men are morose. They gather in the Officers’ Club, where Spaulding stands on his head, intending to remain in that position until the nurses return. Frank orders him back to his feet, in typical Frank fashion. Oddly enough, Spaulding obeys, saying, “Yes, sir.” This is perhaps a bad sign for the future of the character. Talking to Hawkeye and Trapper, Frank then utters one of my favorite Frankisms, “sassy jabber.”
Klinger (wearing all black, appropriately) then brings Spaulding his guitar. He sings another original that he seems to write on the spot, called “I Wonder If They Miss Us.” During this song, the doctors think about the nurses. We see a scene with Hawkeye making out with a nurse played by Bobbie Mitchell, some nurses just after surgery, and the running nurses from the opening credits.
The expected attack turns out to be just 5 O’clock Charlie dropping propaganda pamphlets telling the Americans to give up. The nurses return, and Spaulding leads first Hawkeye and Trapper, and then most of the camp, around the compound in a celebratory version of the song from the beginning, Unrequited to the Nth Degree, this time complete with what must be the chorus, “Ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho, chuckle chuckle chuckle, etc.”
This sing-along is even more annoying than the last. Wayne Rogers, bless him, sounds like that one person in the church choir with a bad voice but who sings louder than anyone else. It is once again a transparently pointless way to feature the singing surgeon when we would normally get a regular scene featuring members of the core cast.
In this episode, we also see Capt. Spaulding, briefly, in the operating room. He is being assisted by the bartender, Mr. Kwang, as there are no nurses present. Many fans never noticed the singing surgeon performing surgery and so never knew he was supposed to be a surgeon.
Perhaps, you can tell by my tone that this is not one of my favorite MASH episodes. The entire episode has to stop so that Spaulding can sing his songs.
Sadly, there seems to be very little of significance that the editors could use to create a “nurse montage.” In an episode that centers around the men missing the nurses, the scene only underscores how non-central the nurses are to the show. The men react in a completely childish and overly emotional way to a group of nurses that we never see them interact with on a significant level, except to hit on them or make out. It’s just a bad episode, in my opinion!
MASH4077TV.com lists Spaulding Officers’ Club song, I Wonder If They Miss Us” in its “poignant” musical moments, along with the cast singing Dona Nobis Pacem in the episode Dear Sis ( Season 7, Episode 15 ). While I agree with the latter sentiment, I never found the “I Wonder If They Miss Us” scene the least bit poignant. Instead, I find it awkward and tedious. And, as the young folks say, it’s somewhat cringy. The men in the club seem even more depressed after the song. What purpose this scene serves, except to be maudlin, is beyond me.
Third Appearance: Big Mac
In Season 3, Episode 21, titled Big Mac, the 4077th gets news that General Douglas MacArthur himself is going to visit the unit because of its outstanding performance. An aide to the general arrives to brief the staff on what is expected of them and the general’s strict itinerary.
After briefing the camp on the upcoming visit, Henry Blake, along with Frank Burns, goes up to Spaulding and asks him to write a song. This is directly after the briefing, but Spaulding is sitting in front of a tent with his guitar. Henry says, “How about writing one of your special songs for MacArthur?” But Spaulding has already been working on a song (the timelines in this episode are a mess).
He plays a snippet of his “Big Mac” song for Blake:
Well, it’s not Corregidor, you know it’s only Korea,
It’s a lousy little war but we’d still love to see ya,
And I’m sure we can scrounge up a beach,
And you can splash in and give us a speech,
With your corncob pipe and your five gold stars
“Well, it’s catchy,” says Henry, “but it’s not exactly what I had in mind.” Frank chimes in with, “You’re not the least bit clever,” to which Henry responds, “It’s a big club, Frank.” Henry then asks Spaulding to do it again, and the scene ends.
This scene is the best “working in’ of the singing surgeon so far, as at least Henry asked him to write a song.
The visit of General MacArthur turns out to be nothing more than the general driving by in a jeep, barely looking up as he passes through the camp. When he sees Klinger at the edge of camp dressed up like the Statue of Liberty, complete with a large sparkling torch, he comes to attention and salutes, seeming to approve of this display of patriotism. Klinger has made several quick wardrobe changes in this episode, but this one, from a Japanese Kimono among the gathered staff in the compound to his Statue of Liberty costume at the security checkpoint on the edge of camp, takes place in approximately two minutes, which does not seem possible!
While not seen in syndicated versions of the episode, Spaulding sings a new version of the Big Mac song after this brief MacArthur drive-by. This version is more upbeat:
Yeah, Big Mac is comin’, he’ll put an end to this war,
Oh, the UN decided it was time for Mac to take an encore,
Oh, how I yearn to hear Mac say ‘I shall return’ once more.
We also again see Spaulding briefly in the operating room at the beginning of the episode after Radar tells Blake he has a very important phone call. While Radar whispers the identity of the caller to Henry, we can assume it’s someone from the staff of MacArthur. Henry then calls Spaulding over to finish up his surgery for him, saying, “Spaulding, finish up for me, please.” The Captain appears at the table, and the scene ends.
Both the second and third appearances of Spaulding show an escalating presence. Despite the contention that he was only ever meant to be a guest star, I think there was an intention to make him a regular part of the cast at the 4077.
Why The Singing Surgeon Had to Go
It is often claimed that Loudon Wainwright, as Capt. Spaulding was a guest actor on MASH and was never meant to be a regular. It is not clear that this is true. If Wainwright was only supposed to make a guest appearance, the difficulty of working the “singing surgeon” into an episode makes it hard to imagine why they would do it more than once.
Like several of the early MASH semi-regulars, the singing surgeon, Capt. Calvin Spaulding was not written out. He just disappeared, similar to the fates of Spearchucker Jones and Ugly John. Since it had already been determined that the principal cast needed to be thinned out, the decision to introduce this character, who only served to interrupt the show to sing a song, is an odd choice. But since the earlier characters were inherited from the book and the film, the creators can be forgiven for wanting to make their own path and introduce new characters created especially for the television show.
The easy explanation is that Captain Spaulding was dropped because the show found it difficult to work extra characters into the narrative. However, working this character into the narrative was even more difficult than usual, as shown by the fact that they failed to work him in at all. Instead, he was pasted onto three episodes and served no purpose but to interrupt the flow. What’s more, the folky musical style of Loudon Wainwright didn’t fit in with the tone of the show, making including him even more difficult.
The principal reason for his departure, or for him not being used more, is that Gelbart created a character for no other reason than singing goofy songs. He then asked the writers to somehow work this fellow into episodes, singing songs with his guitar. Put your writer hat on and imagine this assignment, and you’ll understand why I think this was a terrible idea, and why he only appeared three times.
Loudon Wainwright, III
Loudon Wainwright, III, comes from a prominent musical family. His offspring, Rufus Wainwright, Martha Wainwright, and Lucy Wainwright Roche, have continued the tradition. Besides his appearances on MASH, he is best known for his hit song, Dead Skunk, a song about a dead skunk in the middle of the road. He has released over 20 albums in his decades-long and, as he said, somewhat checkered career. He also wrote songs for the Judd Apatow film, Knocked Up, in which he also appeared as Dr. Howard.
Wainright’s other acting credits include America 2-Night (1978), The Slugger’s Wife (1985), Jacknife (1989), Soldier Soldier (1992), Undeclared (12 episodes, 2001-2002), 28 Days (2000), Ally McBeal (2003), Big Fish (2003), The Aviator (2004), The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005), According to Jim (2006), For Your Consideration (2006), and Parks and Recreation (2009).
The Other Guitar Playing Doctor On MASH
Captain Calvin Spaulding was not the first appearance of a guitar-playing doctor on MASH. The first such appearance takes place in Season 2, Episode 2, titled 5 O’clock Charlie. A dentist, Captain Phil Cardozo, played by Corey Fischer, appears in the Swamp, noodling on a guitar. My assumption is that he was a visiting dentist bunking in the Swamp with the surgeons. While playing, Cardozo listens to Trapper and Hawkeye complain about Frank, who wants to shoot down 5’Oclock Charlie with an anti-aircraft gun.
Hawkeye offers Cardozo some booze, and he says, “When I left the states, I promised my wife that I wouldn’t have a drink or another woman till I got back to her.” Hawkeye responds, “That’s nice.” Cordozo then says, “Give me a blast.” Then, “Make it a short one, I got a date tonight.” He then offers the Swamp rats advice about Frank, telling them to forget about him because “his type is indestructible; they always have been.” He advises them to get rid of the ammo dump adjacent to the camp and thus the gun, which takes away Frank’s motivation.
The docs approve of Cardozo’s idea, and he plays a blues lick on the guitar. He doesn’t sing. This is his only appearance on the show, but Corey Fischer also appeared in the film version of MASH as Captain Bandini.
