The familiar MASH PA announcements were often used to fill time during the post-editing process. However, they served a much more important purpose than just adding another 10 seconds to an episode. The announcements helped to deliver the show’s blend of comedy and drama, often offering cynical or absurd social commentary on the war and the situation the people of the 4077 found themselves in. The dry humor tied everything together, and the PA announcer became as much a character as anyone else, even though he was never seen. Two principal actors were responsible for delivering these gags, while producer Jimmy Lydon voiced some of them during the first and second seasons. Here are some of the most memorable, quoted, and funny PA announcements from MASH, grouped according to the actor who voiced them.
The following lists are not complete. As I find more great PA announcements from MASH, I’ll add them to the list!
Best Jimmy Lydon PA Announcements
Jimmy Lydon only did the PA announcements for a limited number of episodes in the early seasons. Nevertheless, some of them were zingers!
Attention all personnel. Colonel Blake at sixteen..uh..seventeen hundred hours will deliver his weekly lecture. Tonight’s subject will be togetherness. The togetherness lecture will be followed by a talk on the perils of trenchmouth. – Divided We Stand, Season 2, Episode 1
Attention please. Immediately following Mass this Sunday, Yom Kippur services will be held for all Jewish personnel of the Hebrew faith. – Divided We Stand, Season 2, Episode 1
Attention. Major Houlihan, your chest X-rays are ready, and they really came out beautiful. – Radar’s Report, Season 2, Episode 3
Best Todd Sussman PA Announcements
By far, the best-remembered PA announcements were delivered by Todd Sussman, the principal actor who played the role. Here are the best moments from Todd Sussman:
The following people have volunteered to go on today’s 10-mile physical fitness hike. [long silence ensues before music resumes playing] – Dear Dad, Season 1, Episode 12 (This joke was recycled in The Trial of Henry Blake but was simplified to “The following people have volunteered to go on a ten-mile hike.” The earlier version was more effective, in my opinion.)
Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled. – Dear Dad, Season 1, Episode 12
Attention all personnel. When filling out GI insurance forms, be sure to state your age and sex at the time of your last birthday. – Dear Dad, Season 1, Episode 12
A reminder that the 4077th Christmas party for the Korean children in the area will be held today at fourteen hundred hours. So everyone turn out to meet the kids. Santa will be there too; we can only hope he’s sober. – Dear Dad, Season 1, Episode 12
And now, direct from North Korea, here he is for the sixth hit week: 5 o’clock Charlie, his airplane, and his astigmatism. – 5 O’clock Charlie, Season 2, Episode 2
So as he flies the blue lady of the skies into the sunset, we say ‘aloha, 5 O’clock Charlie’ and return to our duties. Let me remind you the hospital is open 24 hours for your dining and dancing pleasure. – 5 O’clock Charlie, Season 2, Episode 2
Attention all personnel. Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today. – For the Good of the Outfit, Season 2, Episode 4 (recycled in Adam’s Ribs, Season 3, Episode 11)
Attention all personnel. By order of Major Frank Burns, lights out in ten minutes sharp. Anyone not in their own beds at that time will have to spend the night wherever they are. – The Trial of Henry Blake, Season 2, Episode 8
Attention, all personnel. Because of the epidemic, tonight’s broken film, which has not arrived yet, is canceled. A reminder from Colonel Henry Blake – due to the flu, kindly refrain from kissing anyone unless absolutely necessary. – Carry On, Hawkeye, Season 2, Episode 11
Attention all personnel. Since there are no casualties again today, tonight’s midnight movie will be seen at nine o’clock this morning. Also, midnight will be cancelled. – As You Were, Season 2, Episode 20
Attention all personnel. Tonight’s movie is a holdover from last week and will be shown right after supper, which is also a holdover from last week. – Bulletin Board, Season 3, Episode 16
Attention all personnel. Due to the shortage of oil and wood, tonight’s movie will be burned.” – Crisis, Season 2, Episode 21
All personnel must begin sleeping together tonight. Check the bulletin board to determine the sex of your tent. – Crisis, Season 2, Episode 21
Attention, all personnel. Please contact Colonel Blake if anyone knows the whereabouts of tonight’s entree. In the meantime, be on the lookout for a white Caucasian lamb. It is reported to be unarmed and considered to be delicious. That is all. – Private Charles Lamb, Season 3, Episode 14
Captain Alvin Mercer leaves for a honeymoon in Tokyo at oh-nine hundred hours. Any nurse wishing to be the bride, please contact the captain. No experience necessary. – For Want of a Boot, Season 2, Episode 17
Attention, all personnel, come one, come all to a wake for the late, great Captain Pierce. Remains to be seen in the swamp. We’ll be mourning all afternoon and evening. The deceased will deliver the eulogy, and the guests will have 20 minutes for rebuttal. – The Late Captain Pierce, Season 4, Episode 5
Attention. Here’s a bulletin from the truce talks at Panmunjom: after six weeks of negotiation, the U.N. and North Korea have agreed that flagpoles in the peace compound are to be thirty-two feet, six and one-quarter inches high. World leaders hail this agreement as an important step toward lasting peace. – Dear Mildred, Season 4, Episode 8
Best Sal Viscuso PA Announcements
This list is will be updated as I find more funny and memorable PA announcements from Sal Viscuso. Here are some of his best:
Attention all personnel. All those with body lice report for dusting at 13:30 hours, dysentery at 14:20 hours, toe fungus at 15:00. – Fade Out/Fade In, Season 6, Episode 1
Attention all personnel: Tonight’s War Department film on how to lead a good, clean life has been cancelled due to the unusually heavy indifference. – Preventive Medicine, Season 7, Episode 23
