According to MASH producer Larry Gelbart, when he came up with the idea of a cross-dressing soldier bucking for a Section 8, Gene Reynolds knew that the only one who could play him was Jamie Farr. So, I was surprised when a MASH guest star revealed that Jamie Farr, who played the iconic cross-dressing Maxwell Klinger, was not the first male actor hired to appear in a dress on the show. In fact, you may remember the first actor as a paranoid dentist who just received his orders to go home and is sure that something horrible will happen before he can get there. His name was Harvey J. Goldenberg, and he played a dentist named Captain Kaplan, appearing in two episodes.
According to Harvey Goldenberg, he was hired to play a cross-dresser in a scene on MASH. He never received a script, and then was unhired. In other words, nothing was ever filmed. His character was supposed to appear in the mess hall, dressed in drag, touch a string of pearls around his neck (or something else), and say something along the lines of “What else would you wear with basic black?” This is exactly the kind of thing Klinger would later say. 1Solomonson, Ed, et al. TV’s M*A*S*H: The Ultimate Guide Book. United States, BearManor Media, 2009.
I’ve never heard Larry Gelbart, Gene Reynolds, or anyone else mention hiring anyone to appear as a cross-dresser before Jamie Farr. I suspect the reason why is that everyone simply forgot, except, of course, the actor who was told “never mind” without ever getting to film anything. However, Goldenberg stated that he was hired to play another part to make up for being unhired for the original idea. He appeared as the camp dentist, Kaplan, in two episodes. 2Solomonson, Ed, et al. TV’s M*A*S*H: The Ultimate Guide Book. United States, BearManor Media, 2009.
Kaplan was one of three dentists who appeared on MASH. Captain Phil Kardoza was a dentist who appeared in 5 O’clock Charlie (Season 2, Episode 2), sitting in the Swamp and playing guitar. He had only a few lines, described here. He never appeared again. It was not clear whether he was supposed to be the camp dentist or just a visiting dentist.
Another dentist was Captain Bernie Futterman, who appeared in the episode For Want of a Boot (Season 2, Episode 17). He also appeared once and was never heard from again, although he was clearly the camp dentist and not just visiting. The last dentist, named Captain Quentin Rockingham, was called in to treat Charles Winchester’s bad tooth in the episode The Truth Shall Set You Free (Season 10, Episode 15).
The original dentist from the MASH film, Captain Walter “The Painless Pole” Kosciusko, is actually mentioned briefly in the MASH pilot but never appears. The producers didn’t think the character was essential to the plot of the show, but apparently, some writers wrote in a dentist now and again for certain comedic scenes.
Dentist Kaplan’s First Appearance
Goldenberg’s first appearance was in Season 1, Episode 22, titled Major Fred C. Dobbs. In this episode, Hawkeye and Trapper play a string of practical jokes on Frank Burn, including giving him the “Princess and the Pea treatment” by nailing five cots on top of each other and putting a sleeping Frank in the top bunk, so that he woke up sleeping 12 feet off the ground.
Frank declares he’s had enough and requests a transfer. Even so, Hawkeye and Trapper tape a private conversation between Frank and Margaret and broadcast it over the PA. This is reminiscent of what happened in the film, and is the way Margaret got her nickname Hot Lips. Hawkeye describes the recording as his “favorite soap opera,” called Just Plain MacArthur, starring Nurse Dribble and Dr. Manure.
To keep Frank from leaving, they convince him that there is gold in the hills. In the end, they paint a bunch of rocks gold and even paint a jeep.
Harvey appears as Kaplan in the scene where Frank goes to Henry Blake to demand a transfer. Frank wakes up with his arm in a cast and a hook embedded as a “hand.” He begins marching over to Henry’s tent in an angry huff. Meanwhile, Kaplan is treating Henry’s tooth.
Preparing to fix Henry’s tooth, Kaplan says, “Henry, that tooth is really bad. Here, hold this back with your tongue.” Frank storms in and begins ranting and raving about wanting to be transferred out. Kaplan continues trying to treat Henry’s tooth while he talks to Frank. After Frank tells the “Princess and the Pea” story, Kaplan says, “It’s a good thing you don’t walk in your sleep,” and laughs. His only other line is “Sorry, sir,” after Henry tells him to “watch it, Doc, before I swallow your watch.”
This episode was described by Larry Gelbart and Wayne Rogers as a poor one. Alan Alda stated the episode just didn’t work. 3Solomonson, Ed, et al. TV’s M*A*S*H: The Ultimate Guide Book. United States, BearManor Media, 2009.
Kaplan’s Final Appearance
Goldenberg’s final appearance was in Season 1, Episode 24, titled Showtime. In this episode, Kaplan has received his discharge and is set to go home. However, he is paranoid that something will happen to him to prevent him from reaching home. His scene occurs in the mess hall, eating with Hawkeye and Father Mulcahy. When Hawkeye asks Kaplan to pass the salt, he says, “No.” I beg your pardon?” says Hawkeye.
“You’re looking at one dentist that’s not touching anything that hasn’t been checked by the bomb squad.” Kaplan won’t even unfold his own travel orders for fear of getting a paper cut because, as he says, “I’m not getting any last-minute infections.” More of the same follows, with Kaplan telling Hawkeye he hadn’t even used the latrine in 18 hours, and you can’t be too careful: “A friend of mine got his orders, broke his legs the next day. Got it tangled in a nurse at his farewell party.”
In the end, Kaplan’s paranoia seems justified. He insists on driving the jeep himself, asking the Father to bless the vehicle (even though he’s Jewish). When Dr. Kaplan drives off, we hear the horn honking and then a crash. We next see Kaplan in the hospital, saying, “I knew it! Did I know…did I say…I said it from the very beginning?!” Both his left arm and left leg are in a cast. We learn from Hawkeye that he had stepped on the gas instead of the brake. Kaplan declares that when the time comes, he’s getting home by walking.
Goldenberg also filmed another outdoor scene at the Fox Ranch for this episode in which Hawkeye throws a football to him, which he drops. He rather liked his monologue for that scene, where he said, “I’m a Jewish prince…what do I know about a pigskin?” Jackie Cooper was directing the episode and told him to catch the ball as they were running out of light. Harvey caught it, being afraid not to. That scene was cut from the final edit. 4Solomonson, Ed, et al. TV’s M*A*S*H: The Ultimate Guide Book. United States, BearManor Media, 2009.
I was unable to find any information on why Goldenberg was unhired as the MASH cross-dresser, other than his own account, which appears in TVS M*A*S*H: The Ultimate Guide Book
More About Harvey J. Goldenberg
Goldenberg’s first scene with Henry Blake wasn’t the first time he had worked with McLean Stevenson. He had previously guest-starred with Stevenson in That Girl (1966). William Christopher (Father Mulcahy) also appeared, as well as MASH guest star Stuart Margolin. Harvey had also appeared in an episode of the Doris Day show written by MASH writer Jim Fritzell.
Some of Goldenberg’s other credits include the Bob Newhart Show, Kojak, Man From Atlantis, Alice, CHiPs, The Golden Girls, Falcon Crest, Mr. Belvedere, The Wonder Years, and Days of Our Lives.
